“So she continued to love him, and was grateful for each moment he decided to stop by, knowing that he didn’t love her.
And that he probably never would.”
It’s been a long time no since he’s left, and why isn’t anything getting better? Every single day I lay in bed, and I pretty much lay in bed until I have to do something … like going to school. I really don’t find myself going out, or wanting to talk to people. I’ve tried that a few weeks ago, but it didn’t work out. No matter what I do, everything just reminds me of you, and how much better things would be if I had you by my side. I’ve always thought this, and I thought … you know, what it .. maybe, just maybe, I’ll be okay without you. And I tried thinking about that for a while, but I feel like I am just lying to myself. Because the truth is, I’m not okay without you. You were my everything, and my happiness came to me because of you. Everything that I’ve learned and that I’ve loved was because of you, and if someone is that special and can make that much of an impact on my life …. why would I want to tell myself I will be okay without him?
I’m the type of person who doesn’t take relationships lightly. With this relationship, it was the one that I thought was going to be lasting forever. I could see him in my future, and I wanted to do everything for him, because I wanted to care for him through thick and thin, though happiness and sadness, through tough times through happy times, anything that would happen, I just wanted to be there for him. I know that there are things that have happened in the relationship that really caused me pain and to hurt because I wasn’t sure if I could handle being in a relationship if I was constantly worried, or sad, but I wanted to give up what I was feeling for the relationship … simply because I cared. I don’t care about those dumb quotes, or advice that people say about … if you lose yourself, or if you aren’t happy yourself, then it’s not really love … I mean, honestly, it’s whatever to me. Because happiness changes, and if you are with someone you LOVE, that love doesn’t change. I feel like you are allowed to give up your happiness once in a while, because it will come back, especially if it’s with someone that you care about.
Anyways, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I still miss him with all my heart. I still try to talk to him every day, and I want him to know how I feel. I feel depressed all day because of these feelings, and laying in bed is the worst thing to do … but that’s all I can do. I don’t know if that will change. I still love him, and I always will love him no matter what. I’m not interested in other guys, or thinking about how there will be someone better, because there won’t be. Waking up next to you, going through the days with you, and at the end of the day, going to bed with you, and all the other details in between that make you YOU, those are the things that I love that I don’t see in anyone else. Every day is just as sad as day 1, and I wonder to myself … why don’t I get tired of this? But …. I don’t. I simply miss him so much, and I don’t know what to do without him.
"There’s a reason I said I’d be happy alone. It wasn’t ’cause I thought I’d be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It’s easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and you don’t have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It’s like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever."
-Grey’s Anatomy (via secretjellybeans)
I don’t know what it will take for things to get better … if they ever do. I feel like with time … you should already be able to realize what you want, to start to move on … but what about if you are so sure about something, you know it will be impossible to move on? Because that’s how I feel right now.
For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been thinking a lot about everything. Basically, if I put my entire relationship in a book and read it from the first chapter to what it is right now, I’ve read the entire thing - thoroughly. With everything that I’ve experienced in this relationship, I am so sure, more than ever, that he is the person I want to be with. There is nobody out there that makes me feel happy, a person who is there to give me the best advice about my problems, someone who I can take care of non stop, and have fun with. Honestly, every single moment without him breaks my heart, and I no longer can find happiness in anything.
Whatever I’m doing with the time I am not without him, I always think about how much happier and enjoyable it would be if he was by my side, and I want him to experience that with me. There is nothing in this world that I can think of that will make me feel happy. I’ve also thought about all the people I have met in my life, and how there is nobody like him. Never have I ever met someone that I felt so perfect while we are together. And nobody will ever reach those standards, I can’t imagine anyone.
I don’t want to meet anyone new, because they are not YOU. Nobody will ever be like you even though you tell me there are other people out there, but that’s bullshit. I love you, everything about you, and you’re one of kind. There is nobody else out there who I would want to have. Fuck everyone who gives me the “there are other people out there who will be better”, because who are they to say that “other people” will be better? You’ve already shown me what BEST really is, and I don’t want to waste my time with other people when I know from the bottom of my heart that you are the guy I truly want. I already know that I will never be able to find someone who is better than you …. and I don’t want to stop loving you.
It’s hard to believe that I can actually lay in bed for days and days without doing anything … but it happens. Now it’s the weekend, my ass hurts from laying in bed, but I don’t want to get up. I don’t want to get up unless it’s you at my door, or if it’s because I get to see you. There isn’t anything I want to do because whatever I do, it’s not going to be enjoyable.
I’m fucking miserable ….. fuck.
It’s already Friday … which means almost another week has passed by. But why aren’t things getting better? What if they never do? Every day when I lay in bed and just think about all my feelings, I think about how you were that one guy for me. And no matter what happened, I always would want to love you, care for you, and support you. I’m that girl who is willing to do anything for you, and to wait for you until you’re ready because I simply don’t believe that there will be someone else out there who will be better for me. You fulfill everything I could ever ask for in a person, and I really do need you …
Back at school for the first day of spring quarter, and everything just fucking sucks.
All I want to do is just lay in my bed and cry …. but it’s not like anyone cares.
"You do care. You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it."
Friday is about to be over, and I am not looking forward to going back to school.
I spent this whole week thinking, trying different ways to look at my situation, and I still feel the same way I did when this all first happened. (.. and I know I’ve said that already, but what the fuck … to hell with it, I’m saying it again, because it’s true.)
For a couple of days, I tried to think about if I could really just let you go … and try to move on. But the more I thought about it, the more I found myself missing you even more than I did before. I tried to imagine if in the future there was some other guy that I could possibly want to be with, but I just couldn’t. I love you, and I will keep loving you, I’m not sure if that will ever change. I don’t think it will. Sure, there have been things that I’ve complained and bitched about that you do that sometimes makes me feel like I’m worth nothing, but the good of our relationship is much more worth it to me. I love you for who you are. Your personality, how you treat me, how you treat others, how you talk, how you handle situations … just everything about you, I really, really, love. I don’t ever, and I don’t think I will ever see anyone else with the qualities you have that I really like.
Nobody will ever love me as much as you did. And I’m not ever going to love anyone else like I loved you. I mean, I still love you, and I feel like I’m backed into a tiny corner 24/7 because I just want to tell you that, but I know that I am alone. I can’t tell you that. I want to say so much, or just talk to you, but I know that it will make things worse.
I don’t want to go back to campus anymore, and I don’t know if I will. I feel like all of my “friends” are gone … especially you, my best friend, and I don’t think I can do it without you. If there is anything I can have right now, it’s to be by your side and for us to be happy. That’s all I want …. I’ll do anything …. anything :’(